What are you (and let’s be honest)?
As far as I can tell from my almost 60 years on this planet, there are two kinds of people in the world. They are what I like to call the NET-TAKERS (NT’s) and the NET-GIVERS (NG’s). I have yet to experience or witness somebody who is right down the middle and is NET-NEUTRAL.
Net Takers come in all shapes, sizes, sexes, races, and guises, and unfortunately, most are bad actors who are difficult to spot, even after a long relationship. Yet they will reveal themselves eventually, particularly when they find themselves in a difficult situation and in particular, as they are faced with moral dilemmas. NT’s keep score, they buy material things to impress others, they are users, and they may even be involved in charity or non-profit work, but it is typically a very calculated (and ultimately self-serving) involvement. I know from personal experience because at age 27 I was trained by one of the very best to be a world-class NT masquerading as an NG- I think they referred to it as long-term greedy.
Why do they bother? They reason is that it will eventually benefit themselves down the road, and it is generally about what it yields in terms of how people view them as well as enhancing their reputation- as opposed to where their hearts and passions lay. Most, if not all of it, is a mask caused by low self-esteem, and needing to prove to others, including themselves, that they are worthy and deserving of all the accolades they seek. It is mostly about money and power (not necessarily in that order yet they tend to go hand in hand), and to a certain extent, control over others- or as I like to frame it, ‘perceived’ control. Don’t get me wrong- they do have passion and no one is all bad. Yet, most of it is misplaced and misdirected passion about the ‘me’ and the ‘I’ and my family and my friends and my business and new car. Get the picture? I’m sure you know many and have been fooled by more than one NT before.
Now let’s look at the Net Givers. They are seekers of truth and wisdom and life-long learners, and they are more than willing to pass it on to others. Why? Because it is in their DNA, and they have no expectation or agenda as to whether or not it will come back to, or more to the point, benefit them. They do the next right thing, and if they are unsure, they ask trusted friends and advisers for their opinions. Passion, love, generosity, and integrity are innate in NG’s. Most NG’s are very successful people, but their success is measured with a very different yardstick than NT’s- personal happiness, love, friendship, achievement of life goals that have a purpose, and serenity that go well beyond a big house(s), a fancy car(s), where their kids go to school (hint: Ivy League, Stanford, etc…), what neighborhood they live in, how big their company is, what their physical appearance looks like- and most of all, how much money they have in the bank, and whether they can spend it in this lifetime or not.
Fortunately, NG’s come in all forms as well- and over time are attracted to and associate themselves with other NG’s. How can you spot them? Easy- they want to leave people and situations a little (or alot) better than how they found them; they are humble, yet never use the word to describe themselves-only others. NT’s talk about humility, but rarely walk their talk. NG’s live humbly and with integrity in a different form, which comes from a strong sense of self, a willingness to try things and make mistakes, and then learn from them- and share those mistakes and learning experiences with others-again, without expecting anything in return.
Unfortunately, NG’s are frequently taken advantage of by NT’s, and they have to learn by experience to eventually be on guard for NT’s who want to enter their lives and ‘use’ them for their own- and oftentimes- hidden agendas. NT’s will never be taken advantage of by NG’s because NG’s are already the giving type, whereas NT’s always need to hold the upper hand and get the better of others, unless of course, it serves them otherwise in the short term in order to gain what they want in the long-term. The bottom line is that NG’s think in terms of generations, whereas NT’s think in terms of days, weeks or months, and they model that behavior for their children, and so it continues until a child has the strength and the intestinal fortitude to break the chain.
One other thought- just because people are not outwardly charitable either financially or with their time does not for one instant imply they may not be an NG. Remember the woman who passed away in NYC years ago and left some $20 million to a university or charity in her will, and no one saw it coming because she lived so frugally? The lesson? Never, ever judge anyone until you have seen the entire picture.
It is essential that you observe and watch what people do, not what they say. Ann Lamott once wrote, “It is better to be kind than to be right.” I have learned through much trial and error that there is truth in this statement. Do you know any NT’s who subscribe to this saying? I have not met one yet, unless of course it serves their underlying purpose and value system. And they are the ones that will say, “but what about if you are a lawyer, or a doctor, or an investment manager, or the like and need to be right as part of your job?” The truth is that there is a way to be kind and right, and at this stage of my life, I don’t care to associate or spend time with any more NT’s.
What about you? What are you and what kind of legacy do you want to leave?
